if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
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Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
God has left this place
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
The Backseat Boys
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?