if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Bill is short for Billiam
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.