If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no