If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.