If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”