Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.