Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker