if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.