If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
LMAO
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.