If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
These work great until they don’t.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?