If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE