If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*