If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
October already? What’s next? November????
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff