If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
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[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
i want to work in this restaurant
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder