If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
The photographer’s assistant
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!