“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
those birds must be on payroll
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined