If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.