If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no