If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”