If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
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Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Breaking news:
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.