@reallifemommy3

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

@ojedge

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@TheTweetOfGod

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

@BYGH

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.