If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

You Might Also Like


.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.


[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]


Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?


The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies


I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.


Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.


My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.


Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!


My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.