@envydatropic What personal space?
My dog
@reallifemommy3 If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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@envydatropic 
@TheTweetOfGod .@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
@ojedge [red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
@KentWGraham Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
@TheTweetOfGod The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
@AmishPornStar1 I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
@Kendragarden Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
@liberalcannon My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
@donni Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
@BYGH My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.