If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
“I wouldn’t.”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.