If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*