If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
You Might Also Like
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.