@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

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@FunInternetGuy

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@ThisOneSayz

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

@jonnysun

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

@AbbyHasIssues

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

@whimsik_l

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

@pilau

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

@3sunzzz

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

@BigBang6000

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

@psybermonkey

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?