ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab