If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Lmfaoooooo
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.