If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍