If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

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I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.


PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.


Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?


barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??


barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*


wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]


just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire



GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?