If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.