If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?