IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*