If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.