If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me as a parent
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him