If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”