If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly