If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.