if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
You Might Also Like
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.