if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk