If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Thursday
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.