If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most


I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar


Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.


You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?


“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”


*ring bearer vomits*


Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*


Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs


Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?


If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.