Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.