If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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I’M CRYINGGG
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
😅😅😅
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.