If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Don鈥檛 touch the door handles
Don鈥檛 touch the light switches
Don鈥檛 touch the bedspread
Don鈥檛 touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don鈥檛 be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Did my cat write this
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.馃榿
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that鈥檚 not why he鈥檚 mad
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
God: you鈥檙e a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I鈥檓 a bird but I can鈥檛 fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN鈥橳.
Kiwi: really what鈥檚 that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.