If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

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I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.


I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.


I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.


Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.


“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”


I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.


Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”


I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.


High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.


Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.