If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text