If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
How I’d get arrested…
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Mission: Impossible
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.