If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”