If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….