If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
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me logging onto twitter
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.