@theshantilly

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

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@MrsGoose69

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

@reallifemommy3

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

@colegamble

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

@clichedout

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

@djdarrellripley

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

@imdaintyaf

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

@huntigula

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.