If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.


Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean


Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?


I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.


The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.


Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.


Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…


What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.


Your resume just says “falconer”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”


I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.