If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
This kinda thing happens to me often
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.