If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.