If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
You Might Also Like
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My birthstone is kidney
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Woke up against my better judgment again
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address