“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
OH. COME. ON.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.