If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it