If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
early stone age tool
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.