If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*praying for world peace*
God:
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.