If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…